The next day, I drove way up into the Hollywood hills for the second (and last) day of the shoot. I'd learned the night before that it would be a Day of Squirting, so I ate a light breakfast and hoped I wouldn't see it again. Nick was gone that day, so any clean-up duty was going to fall on my shoulders if Reese wasn't around. I said a sticky prayer and went in.
The home was gorgeous, and overlooked LA in an ironic, mocking fashion that said to me, "Hey, congrats- you're finally inside a House on The Hills. Now go get a mop, there's jizz on the floor."
If I thought I'd seen "squirting" the night before, I was in for a surprise- and so was the crew! After the previous nights puddling, we were ready for about a cup of liquid to splash out of the Talent's vagina- I can honestly say no one was prepared for what happened next:
Garry held one camera while the Camera Guy held the other. I held cables and stood next to the Camera Guy. A really nice pair of Porn Stars were on a couch outside by the pool, and the girl seemed to be enjoying herself. "Oh God, I'm gonna come- here it comes!"
Yeah, yeah- we'd seen it before- we were wrong:
A hot, thick, ropy jet of fluid shot out like a fire hose from between the girl's legs, streaming 8 feet across the patio and dousing the sliding glass door, which, mercifully, was closed.
The liquid exploded everywhere- I leaped backwards out of the way, Matrix-style, leaving the poor Camera Man to catch the brunt of it.
"WHOA!" shouted the stunned Director.
"Oh, did I get you?" asked Firehose.
"No," said the Camera Man, wiping the side of his face with his shirt. "You got me."
"Whuh..." I stammered, intelligently.
Garry was thrilled- you'd think he'd discovered porn for the first time. He urged everyone to keep going, and wore a kid-on-Christmas grin for the rest of the day.
I thought for sure that after that display, we were safe, but we were completely stunned when she did it again- and AGAIN! It was like on the Discovery Channel when they show how giant squids work- it was freakish and really, really strangely impressive!
"Where is all that coming from?!?" we asked.
Firehose just smiled- she was having a lot of fun shocking us.
By now, I'd learned to hide completely behind the camera man, and I'd covered my hair with a bandana. I put my sunglasses on, like protective goggles, and pulled my mouth and nose under my shirt. I was NOT about to take it in the face- I'm not that kind of girl.
We wrapped that scene, and Reese mercifully cleaned up the couch.
Then we re-arranged the heavy furniture in the living room for another scene with another couple. I'd completely thrown my back out the week before working for free on a horror movie, and all this furniture moving was killing me. Crouching all day wasn't helping, but it did yield a discovery:
I found a new-looking pink thong under a couch with some dust-bunnies... We were not the first porn crew to use this location.
Garry wanted to do special "Squirting" production stills, so he had Reese teach me how to prepare a water douche for the girls.
I've never used, touched, or even SEEN a douche in my life.
We used to have boxes of them laying around the Porn Office, but I never opened them because a) they weren't mine and b) ew, gross.
They look kind of like sinus-rinse squeeze bottles.
Reese showed me how to un-screw the rubbery top and pour out the vinegary fluid inside, then replace it with slightly warm water.
He tested the temperature of the sink water by holding his wrist under the faucet's stream, like a mom checking a milk-bottle's temperature for her infant.
Reese, again, is pretty cool. Here is a fun story about how nice Reese is to these girls, as told to me by Reese:
"So this girl was on her period, but she really needed the money so she still takes the scene. To make sure the guy's dick doesn't show any blood on it, she takes little make-up sponges and shoves them up inside her. So they do the scene and everything's fine, right, except afterwards, she's taking forever in the bathroom. I ask her what's wrong and she says that she can't get the last sponge out. She says she's gonna have to go to the gyno to get it removed, and that it'll cost her all the money she made working that day. (This company, though run by awesome people, is notorious for paying the lowest rates in town.) So I don't want her to cry, so I offer to take it out for her. She sits down on the toilet, and I reach in, knowing it's all bloody in there, but I can't show any disgust on my face because I don't wanna hurt her feelings, and I fish out the sponge for her, and she was really happy."
That's how nice Reese can be.
Reese is also the guy who offered me $150 to masturbate on a toilet for one of his "Security Cam POV" scenes. Even though he assured me that my face would be blurred, I politely declined.
Reese is trying to make a name for himself, and although he's well-endowed, he hasn't taken off as a porn star. He has directed a few POV scenes, which involve him paying a girl $150-$200 to perform oral sex on him while he holds a video camera. I always knew when he had a shoot coming up because he'd change his lunch habits. Usually, Reese likes to eat burgers, but the day prior to a shoot, he'll eat healthy foods so his fluids will taste better. I find this very considerate, but when I ask him why his rates are so low, he tells me, "hey, if one girl won't do it for that low, there's another girl who hasn't worked in 3 weeks who's sitting on her couch and she needs the money. I pay that low because I can."
Reese is a contradiction.
But, nevertheless, I prepare this water-douche for the next girl, and watch as she squeezes the water in her vagina, then spectacularly sneezes it out in a glittery rainbow prism display of skill and prowess. They snap several pictures of this- then it's time for sex again.
We started filming the second scene of the day, and, if the first girl had impressed us, this next girl was by no means a let-down.
They started their performance on the couch, and then, like a sprinkler, she spasmed and shook and hosed pretty much everything in the room. I was protected, but the cables I had to hold were now sticky. Ugh.
When the Talent took a break to grab some water, I grabbed my gloves. I pretty much looked like one of the Sand People from Star Wars at this point, but I didn't care. $6/hour is NOT enough for me to handle bodily fluids.
Sprinkler took the water I brought her and drank the entire bottle without stopping to breathe- I was impressed. She told me that the secret was to breathe through the nose while drinking.
This is an old technique taught in Marching Band, called "circular breathing." I could never do it. Now I'm kind of glad.
When they were ready, we resumed filming and she performed fellatio on her costar. This was the grossest thing ever, because Sprinkler may have been breathing the whole time, but her throat, esophagus, and stomach made the most wretched noises I've ever heard.
Her organs were gagging and convulsing, and the sound seemed magnified as it came out of her marvelous nose and throat.
As her co-star moaned in pleasure, Sprinkler gagged and made little pre-vomiting noises.
I have a sympathetic stomach- if I'm around someone who is vomiting, I will vomit. I can't help it; it's just how it is- so when I heard her body making those sounds, my stomach spasmed and began to duplicate what hers was doing. For the next hour, I begged and pleaded with my breakfast to stay put. I tried so hard to think of anything else, but the hardwood floors and bare walls echoed the sounds. I was in hell.
And my cables were getting Sprinkled on.
Finally, she gushed for a final time, and we set up for the final shot of the day.
And guess who the lucky Star was?
If you read part 1 of this blog and you guessed Angel, you're right! Yayyy!
Angel spent hours in make-up- she gets hair extensions placed for every scene she does. Head hair, not pubes. Porn Stars don't have pubes. It's like a rule. In fact, only one girl, Sprinkler, had a small thin landing strip, which prompted Reese to greet her with the phrase, "Hey, Fuzzy!"
While we waited for Angel, I asked the camera man what the deal was with Sprinkler's sound effects. He shrugged and said that some guys were into it, because that sound reminds them of how it feels when a girl's throat tightens around the tip of their penis.
I made a mental note to give my husband a huge hug when I saw him next, for not being that type of guy.
I was trying to be prepared ahead of time, so I took the last douche from the box and filled it with water.
Since we weren't given a lunch break (or lunch) that day, I stole off to the craft table (which I'd set up) as soon as my stomach was settled. My back was killing me. As I stretched, I saw that Angel was hovering around, staring at herself in a mirror.
"Hey, you," she said, talking to me but staring at herself.
"Hello," I said.
"Gimmie some gum."
Uhhhh... I forsook my sandwich and ransacked the supplies for gum, eventually finding her stash. I handed the pack to her, and she turned her head away from me while she snatched it out of my hand. I wanted to be prepared to go home that night, so I started packing up the food. There was an empty trash can, so I threw away the last water-douche.
Soon, it was time to film, but at the last minute, Angel decided that she wanted to douche herself. Probably because she doesn't want another incident like the Great Yeast-Infection Scene of 2010. But for whatever reason, this only occurs to her right then. Like it's a surprise that she's going to be using her vagina that day.
There's a mad scramble, during which I have to confess that not only did I un-douchify the last douche, but I'd thrown it away. I showed Reese the totally clean and otherwise empty trash bag I'd thrown it away in, and asked him if he wanted to offer that to Angel.
He was horror-stricken at the idea, telling me, "you wouldn't put something inside you that someone else has been handling, would you?"
I look back into the living room where the male Porn Star is jerking off in preparation.
"Ummm."
I was halfway down the mountain in my car on a madcap race to buy a douche when I got called back on my cellphone- it's Reese. "Never mind," Reese said. "Angel changed her mind."
I get back and Reese is trying to hit on Angel to lift her mood:
"I mean, do you bleach your anus? Because it looks like you've never pooped!"
She rolls her eyes at him. No dice.
We start filming. Angel performs oral for about 10 minutes until Garry notices that she's still got the gum in her mouth.
Angel is the kind of girl who says "Gummies!" and then spits her gum out into a PA's hand. I am NOT that PA. She fully expected to spit her gum into my hand and looked insulted when I put my gloves on and walked a trash can over to her.
We resume filming, and finally, finally, it's time for the Fip and then the Pop.
But the Pop doesn't come. Something about Angel's vagina does this to people- we wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and then FINALLY he does his thing and we can go home.
Reese handles the couch.
While I'm helping clean-up, the freshly-showered male porn star comes out to say goodnight and thank us. He's a nice guy too. In fact, everyone but Angel was an absolute gem.
"So what's with all the gloves?" he asks me. "Do you work for OSHA or something?"
I really didn't know how to answer...
"I guess I'm shy around fluids," I say. "You know, squeamish?"
He laughs. "Like you've never touched another person's fluids before!"
At this point, Reese and Garry (who know about my relationship with Jay) pipe in.
"Oh, Jaime's special," Garry says. "She's only been with one person."
"What!" The porn star is shocked.
"Yeah," says Reese. "That's pretty rare in this industry."
"Wow," says the Porn Star to me. "You're like a Unicorn!"
I take it as a compliment. I AM like a Unicorn, dammit!
...Or, since I've only worked one porn set, a "Uniporn."
It's finally the end of the night- my back is on fire while I'm rearranging furniture and Garry comes up to thank me for my hard work. He mentions that he's putting an extra $50 in my check because I did a great job and he knows yesterday was a long day. I love Garry.
The furniture is reset, the sticky cables are wrapped, and I'm ready to go. I wait while Reese writes my check and insinuates that he's the one who talked Garry into bumping my check up a little. At this point, I know what he's up to.
"So, we might shoot bonus footage with Angel tomorrow- do you want to come back and work?"
"Aw, thanks for the offer, but my back is really jacked up- I'd suffer through it, but at what, $8 an hour I'd rather see if I can get some extra work since it pays better."
"That's OK," Reese says. "I completely understand- there's some girl on her couch right now who'll do it for $100."
I bade him goodnight and drove off as fast as I could.
Showing posts with label masturbating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label masturbating. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
LA Stories- Porn Again Virgin, Pt. 1
You don't work 6 months in the Porn Industry without making some friends. And, like any other office, I wound up chatting with my co-workers and learning from them exactly what it's like to do their jobs. I never had a chance to PA on an actual porn set because I was always riding a desk while others were riding bareback, but I was always very, very curious...
Not "Bi-Curious." Just regular curious.
And so the day came when I no longer worked as a Pornceptionist, and I was free to take the job when a friend of a friend recommended me as a PA for an upcoming shoot.
Here are the reasons I did it:
1) It was a movie for Adam & Eve, a very reputable and "safe" company to work for.
2) I knew the Director from my work, and I consider him to be the Garry Marshall of Porn. He's a gentleman, and very respectful and polite. I knew he'd treat everyone (including me) very well.
3) I wanted to write this blog.
4) There was a second more experienced PA on the set, and I was promised by the Director's Assistant that I would ONLY be dealing with "clean" stuff, like craft services and bringing people water.
5) It was just a straight-up intercourse movie- no nasty stuff, no anal, no fetish weirdness.
6) Sadly, I really, really needed the money. $100/day for 2 days equals, well, $200.
I'd rather regret doing something than wonder for the rest of my life "What If," so... here we go- the story of my first (and last) weekend of Porn!
I woke up early on the first day, and met the crew at a soundstage. Most of that day we'd be shooting a film comprised of "fantasy" sequences in which a person is interviewed about a harrowing experience during which they were saved (and F'd) by a sexy female. I set up the kitchen and met the rest of the crew:
The Director, who we'll call "Garry"
The Director's Assistant, who we'll call "Reese"
and The Other PA, who we'll call "Nick."
Reese had impressed upon me the paramount importance of "looking busy" that day, as Adam & Eve Corporate Executives were visiting the set, and they wanted to make sure Director Garry was using everything his budget had called for. Two PA's on a small shoot is potentially highly unnecessary, but Reese suspected that the Execs would be thrilled that a female was on the set doing something other than blowing people.
So, clad in a Triple-XL Adam & Eve t-shirt, I set up Reese's box of breakfast goodies for the cast of 4 and crew of 6 and 4 Execs. The spread was nicer than any student film I'd ever worked on, and I was already impressed.
The Talent started to arrive, and to my surprise, everyone was friendly, upbeat and made a point to say hello to me. I'd learned from experience not to speak until spoken to, and these people talked to me like I was a human being. This is a rare occurrence for a PA. Or maybe they were just confused because I was a girl.
Since the camera guy had everything ready, and the grip was all set, there wasn't a lot for me or Nick to do, so we mostly walked with purpose from one end of the soundstage to the other, looking busy as requested. I set up a bed to be "the bed," smoothing out wrinkles on a sheet I knew would be a biohazard within the hour.
After 4 hours in makeup, the Talent was ready, so I assumed the position behind the camera man and gathered the wires so they wouldn't tangle as his dolly moved along the track.
Yes, they set up a dolly track. I'm telling you- good stuff!
Garry grabbed a second camera, Nick took ahold of those cables, and here is how it worked:
The Talent got mostly undressed and posed in various positions for still photographs. These were set up with gorgeous lighting and are to be used for the images a consumer would see on the DVD box cover. The Talent, in accordance with the direction of the photographer and Garry's checklist, is photographed stripping each other, then performing oral sex, then penetration. Then, to simulate what it would look like if the male had ejaculated on the female, they plan out which position they Talent will be in during the "Pop," (climax scene) and the female Talent receives a hearty dousing of Cetaphil lotion on her chest, abdomen, buttocks, back, or face. Yes, Cetaphil. The same product I use to remove my makeup from Grinchmas.
Cetaphil: it's non-comedogenic, and it looks like jizz!
Adam & Eve doesn't cater to a raunchy crowd, so this time Reese poured fake jism on our Talent's breasts. Photos were taken, then she's wiped off with baby wipes and it's on to actual sex!
The Talent began to have sex, and the Camera Man shot angles of their genitals while Garry shot angles of their faces and torsos. That way, an editor can create two entirely different scenes- one Soft Core and one Hard Core.
Garry would talk every so often and tell the Talent "give me 30 more seconds of that then transition," or, "We're going for another 2 minutes of this then the pop, OK?"
The actors would speak the language of porn to one another, then, like total professionals, move gracefully into whatever Garry had asked.
I was unaware of this, but, in most porn, when you "see" a guy ejaculate while his penis is inside the woman, it is faked. It's called a "FIP," which stands for "Fake Internal Pop." He fakes an orgasm, then the Talent arranges themselves how they were for the photos, and it's up to the Male Talent to fulfill his contract.
Porn Actors arrange a fee ahead of time, and each actor agrees to a certain number of minutes in each position. It's pre-decided what they will and won't do on a per-scene basis. How many scenes they want to perform in a day is up to them, but when the Director expects an Actor to ejaculate, that's their job. These guys were pros, and even though they'd been ploughing away at their co-star for the better part of an hour, they pulled out, tugged on themselves until they were ready, then told Garry, "Gimmie 45 seconds and I'm there."
Total accuracy- I was amazed.
The first pair I watched were adorable- Garry had to cut for a moment to make an adjustment with the film equipment, and they actors (who had never worked together before) were having so much fun they just kept going at it! These were two people who'd been very friendly and cordial with me, and here they were, naked and having sex with 10 other people in the room. It was fun to watch them- they had a great chemistry (obviously) and were really enjoying each other. They liked positions that Adam & Eve didn't want in the movie, so in between takes they'd roll around like two wrestling puppies. Both were extremely athletic and sweating- nay, frothing- like crazy. Reese was great about toweling them off in between takes. He's all about the cuntinuity.
These two were animalistic, and giving off so much heat that the lights seemed cool by comparison. I'd taken vitamins that morning, and when the room heated up and all I could smell was sex and fluids, I suddenly became incredibly nauseous. I held onto those cables for dear life, but my vision irised in and I wondered if they'd keep going while I threw up. Miraculously, I held it in, but I couldn't look directly at them or I'd feel sick.
Reese kept his word, and I didn't have to do anything nasty- I had to bring a plastic bin containing lubricants and baby wipes towards the Talent, but the Girl said she never used lube, and Nick handed them the baby wipes on an as-needed basis. At the end, all I had to do was drag over a small trash can for the Talent to discard their wipes after they'd cleaned themselves off.
After that scene, Nick and I were asked to bundle up the sweaty, cum-covered bedclothes and put them in a bag. Wide-eyed and fearful, we rock-paper-scissored to decide who would bundle and who would hold the bag open. I lost, but I'd brought heavy-duty gloves and shoved the comforter and sheets in the bag with the tenderness with which one would plunge a toilet.
The next scene was about female soldiers in the gulf war. I debated pointing out that the green camouflage set may have been inaccurate, but decided to keep my mouth shut. In fact, I wanted as little from that set in my mouth as possible.
Two girls performed the next scene- one who'd been very cordial, and one who I could sense was a bit of a Diva. Let's call her "Angel," for irony. Angel had ignored me, which was fine, but she had an attitude for sure. I heard this story about her from another Porn PA:
"Angel came in and started the scene, but started complaining that her vagina was hurting. Turns out she had a full-blown yeast infection, but came in to work anyway. Well, the yeast started to show during the scene- the guy'd pull his dick out and you'd see this white gook on it, right, so Angel goes to douche and then uses some sort of numbing cream on her vagina.
She comes back and starts the scene again, but doesn't bother to tell the poor guy, right? So his dick goes completely numb and he can't do the Pop and he's thinking it's his fault until she finally tells him. The guy couldn't feel a thing so Reese had to go in and stunt-cock."
Yes, stunt-cock is a real thing. Reese lives to Stunt-cock. But back to the scene.
The girls do okay. It was supposed to be a hot girl-on-girl fantasy scene, but after the electric partnership if the first duo, it was fairly obvious these girls had no chemistry. I blame Angel. She'd stop in the middle of filming and complain about her neck positioning, or the cot was uncomfortable, or where's her water?
Where was her water?
Oh- that was my job.
Angel had "special" Fiji water just for her, labeled with her name on it and hidden away in the back of the refrigerator. I literally ran to go get it, and then realized that it might smear her make-up if she drinks it from the bottle. There were no straws on set, so I ran to my car and gor one of my personal, very special straws. It's from my favorite Boba Tea place in Orlando, and I keep it in my car because it reminds me of home. I ran this special straw and the special water back to set and held it out for Angel.
I hold it out for her. She ignores me, and I stand there with the drink in my hand, arm extended like an idiot.
"I brought you a straw, too" I say, as a prompt for her to take it.
She makes a "Ffffh" sound with her lips, and takes the drink and straw from my hand without looking at me.
The girls resume filming, and then it's on to a scene involving dialogue! Noooo!
I'd once pitched a script to Garry, who told me that whereas it was a great concept, it was a little too "cerebral" for his demographic.
After watching this poor girl stumble over line after line, they took a break. Garry, who'd spent the last hour feeding the girl four or five words at a time, leaned over and murmured to me:
"See what I meant about cerebral dialogue?"
I heart Garry.
While they toiled away on the paragraph, I was sent to pick up Director's Chairs for Garry, Angel, and one of the visiting Execs.
I returned while they were lunching, and set up the chairs in front of the monitor at the Video Village. Nick approached me and we talked about what time we might expect to leave that evening- he was really upset and wanted to leave early because his Aunt, who had practically raised him, was very sick. We were talking about that in the empty soundstage when Garry suddenly burst through the door with Angel.
"Oh, Jaime- would you mind moving to your left a little?"
Garry showed Angel her chair- the chair I'd been resting my hand on...
I knew Garry didn't care, but Angel had seen my touching her chair.
She hated me from that moment forward.
After lunch, it was time for Angel's scene with a Male Pornstar who proclaims himself a "Squirting Instructor," and could make any woman "Squirt." I was then informed that we'd wrapped the first movie and were now about to shoot a second, different movie. About squirting. Oh God.
After lunch, (which I'd fetched, set up and cleaned,) Angel posed for her photos.
I was standing near the set and noticed that she was getting really snippy with the photographer. Reese pulled me aside and said, "Angel's getting touchy, so can you give her some space?" I did, gladly- I looked busy, elsewhere.
We'd begun at 8AM, and I realized that since Jay wasn't home, there was no one to feed my cats. It was now 10PM. While Angel was being touched up in makeup, I asked Reese what time he thought we'd wrap.
"Oh, within 2 hours, easy."
That was impossible, and since I knew Nick was there and we were useless at the moment, I asked Reese if he'd mind if I drove the 6 miles to my house and fed my cats. He promised we'd be shooting any minute and out the door by midnight.
Reese wanted us to stay put. So we did, and, two and a half hours later, we resumed filming.
First, Angel was interviewed about what an awesome squirter she is. When Garry asked her what it felt like the first time it happened, she said, (and this is awesome) "I dunno. I mean, I know it's not urine, or whatever, but it just comes out and it smells like dog pee."
That was the end of the interview.
Nick had to go home at that point- he got a phone call which let him know that his Aunt had died- he was going to be gone the next day as well. I felt awful for him, and very, very sorry for myself- this meant that I would have to deal with gross stuff.
Angel and The Squirting Instructor (who is charming and funny and curved like a cartoon sausage) finally began their scene- he was impressive, and laid to rest any doubts I had about female pornstars faking orgasms during filming.
Angel might not have felt 100% of every "Oh God oh GOD!!!," but the Squirt Instructor was brilliant and for the final "money shot," Angel produced a small puddle in his hands.
I've never been so happy to see something so gross in my entire life. A few more photos needed to be taken, and Garry asked if I would mind grabbing a towel and drying off the couch they'd been porning on- panic-stricken, I looked at Reese, who heroically jumped in and said, "I'll do it." Whew, I thought- good. Reese had kept his word, and I was spared from the grossness. I was (and am) very grateful for him. There aren't a lot of men in this business who would remember or keep a promise to a PA... Yay for Reese.
Garry happily announced that we were wrapped, and then asked if I would please mop up the floor. Reese was nowhere to be seen... So, knowing that this blog lay in the future, and because Garry asked so nicely, right then and there, I performed the best swallowing scene of the day: I swallowed my pride. Gloved and nauseous, I mopped up the porn juice from the soundstage floor. I thought about my parents. I thought about my college degree. I thought about my MENSA membership, and my general goals in life. I tried to think about absolutely anything other than what I was actually doing...
Angel was right about one thing: Fiji water or not, it DID smell like dog pee.
We finally got everything packed in Reese's truck, and I headed home at 2:30AM.
At $100/day, I'd just spent the grossest work day of my life making $6/hour.
Funny- I'd seen three couples have sex, but I felt totally fucked.
To Be Continued...
Not "Bi-Curious." Just regular curious.
And so the day came when I no longer worked as a Pornceptionist, and I was free to take the job when a friend of a friend recommended me as a PA for an upcoming shoot.
Here are the reasons I did it:
1) It was a movie for Adam & Eve, a very reputable and "safe" company to work for.
2) I knew the Director from my work, and I consider him to be the Garry Marshall of Porn. He's a gentleman, and very respectful and polite. I knew he'd treat everyone (including me) very well.
3) I wanted to write this blog.
4) There was a second more experienced PA on the set, and I was promised by the Director's Assistant that I would ONLY be dealing with "clean" stuff, like craft services and bringing people water.
5) It was just a straight-up intercourse movie- no nasty stuff, no anal, no fetish weirdness.
6) Sadly, I really, really needed the money. $100/day for 2 days equals, well, $200.
I'd rather regret doing something than wonder for the rest of my life "What If," so... here we go- the story of my first (and last) weekend of Porn!
I woke up early on the first day, and met the crew at a soundstage. Most of that day we'd be shooting a film comprised of "fantasy" sequences in which a person is interviewed about a harrowing experience during which they were saved (and F'd) by a sexy female. I set up the kitchen and met the rest of the crew:
The Director, who we'll call "Garry"
The Director's Assistant, who we'll call "Reese"
and The Other PA, who we'll call "Nick."
Reese had impressed upon me the paramount importance of "looking busy" that day, as Adam & Eve Corporate Executives were visiting the set, and they wanted to make sure Director Garry was using everything his budget had called for. Two PA's on a small shoot is potentially highly unnecessary, but Reese suspected that the Execs would be thrilled that a female was on the set doing something other than blowing people.
So, clad in a Triple-XL Adam & Eve t-shirt, I set up Reese's box of breakfast goodies for the cast of 4 and crew of 6 and 4 Execs. The spread was nicer than any student film I'd ever worked on, and I was already impressed.
The Talent started to arrive, and to my surprise, everyone was friendly, upbeat and made a point to say hello to me. I'd learned from experience not to speak until spoken to, and these people talked to me like I was a human being. This is a rare occurrence for a PA. Or maybe they were just confused because I was a girl.
Since the camera guy had everything ready, and the grip was all set, there wasn't a lot for me or Nick to do, so we mostly walked with purpose from one end of the soundstage to the other, looking busy as requested. I set up a bed to be "the bed," smoothing out wrinkles on a sheet I knew would be a biohazard within the hour.
After 4 hours in makeup, the Talent was ready, so I assumed the position behind the camera man and gathered the wires so they wouldn't tangle as his dolly moved along the track.
Yes, they set up a dolly track. I'm telling you- good stuff!
Garry grabbed a second camera, Nick took ahold of those cables, and here is how it worked:
The Talent got mostly undressed and posed in various positions for still photographs. These were set up with gorgeous lighting and are to be used for the images a consumer would see on the DVD box cover. The Talent, in accordance with the direction of the photographer and Garry's checklist, is photographed stripping each other, then performing oral sex, then penetration. Then, to simulate what it would look like if the male had ejaculated on the female, they plan out which position they Talent will be in during the "Pop," (climax scene) and the female Talent receives a hearty dousing of Cetaphil lotion on her chest, abdomen, buttocks, back, or face. Yes, Cetaphil. The same product I use to remove my makeup from Grinchmas.
Cetaphil: it's non-comedogenic, and it looks like jizz!
Adam & Eve doesn't cater to a raunchy crowd, so this time Reese poured fake jism on our Talent's breasts. Photos were taken, then she's wiped off with baby wipes and it's on to actual sex!
The Talent began to have sex, and the Camera Man shot angles of their genitals while Garry shot angles of their faces and torsos. That way, an editor can create two entirely different scenes- one Soft Core and one Hard Core.
Garry would talk every so often and tell the Talent "give me 30 more seconds of that then transition," or, "We're going for another 2 minutes of this then the pop, OK?"
The actors would speak the language of porn to one another, then, like total professionals, move gracefully into whatever Garry had asked.
I was unaware of this, but, in most porn, when you "see" a guy ejaculate while his penis is inside the woman, it is faked. It's called a "FIP," which stands for "Fake Internal Pop." He fakes an orgasm, then the Talent arranges themselves how they were for the photos, and it's up to the Male Talent to fulfill his contract.
Porn Actors arrange a fee ahead of time, and each actor agrees to a certain number of minutes in each position. It's pre-decided what they will and won't do on a per-scene basis. How many scenes they want to perform in a day is up to them, but when the Director expects an Actor to ejaculate, that's their job. These guys were pros, and even though they'd been ploughing away at their co-star for the better part of an hour, they pulled out, tugged on themselves until they were ready, then told Garry, "Gimmie 45 seconds and I'm there."
Total accuracy- I was amazed.
The first pair I watched were adorable- Garry had to cut for a moment to make an adjustment with the film equipment, and they actors (who had never worked together before) were having so much fun they just kept going at it! These were two people who'd been very friendly and cordial with me, and here they were, naked and having sex with 10 other people in the room. It was fun to watch them- they had a great chemistry (obviously) and were really enjoying each other. They liked positions that Adam & Eve didn't want in the movie, so in between takes they'd roll around like two wrestling puppies. Both were extremely athletic and sweating- nay, frothing- like crazy. Reese was great about toweling them off in between takes. He's all about the cuntinuity.
These two were animalistic, and giving off so much heat that the lights seemed cool by comparison. I'd taken vitamins that morning, and when the room heated up and all I could smell was sex and fluids, I suddenly became incredibly nauseous. I held onto those cables for dear life, but my vision irised in and I wondered if they'd keep going while I threw up. Miraculously, I held it in, but I couldn't look directly at them or I'd feel sick.
Reese kept his word, and I didn't have to do anything nasty- I had to bring a plastic bin containing lubricants and baby wipes towards the Talent, but the Girl said she never used lube, and Nick handed them the baby wipes on an as-needed basis. At the end, all I had to do was drag over a small trash can for the Talent to discard their wipes after they'd cleaned themselves off.
After that scene, Nick and I were asked to bundle up the sweaty, cum-covered bedclothes and put them in a bag. Wide-eyed and fearful, we rock-paper-scissored to decide who would bundle and who would hold the bag open. I lost, but I'd brought heavy-duty gloves and shoved the comforter and sheets in the bag with the tenderness with which one would plunge a toilet.
The next scene was about female soldiers in the gulf war. I debated pointing out that the green camouflage set may have been inaccurate, but decided to keep my mouth shut. In fact, I wanted as little from that set in my mouth as possible.
Two girls performed the next scene- one who'd been very cordial, and one who I could sense was a bit of a Diva. Let's call her "Angel," for irony. Angel had ignored me, which was fine, but she had an attitude for sure. I heard this story about her from another Porn PA:
"Angel came in and started the scene, but started complaining that her vagina was hurting. Turns out she had a full-blown yeast infection, but came in to work anyway. Well, the yeast started to show during the scene- the guy'd pull his dick out and you'd see this white gook on it, right, so Angel goes to douche and then uses some sort of numbing cream on her vagina.
She comes back and starts the scene again, but doesn't bother to tell the poor guy, right? So his dick goes completely numb and he can't do the Pop and he's thinking it's his fault until she finally tells him. The guy couldn't feel a thing so Reese had to go in and stunt-cock."
Yes, stunt-cock is a real thing. Reese lives to Stunt-cock. But back to the scene.
The girls do okay. It was supposed to be a hot girl-on-girl fantasy scene, but after the electric partnership if the first duo, it was fairly obvious these girls had no chemistry. I blame Angel. She'd stop in the middle of filming and complain about her neck positioning, or the cot was uncomfortable, or where's her water?
Where was her water?
Oh- that was my job.
Angel had "special" Fiji water just for her, labeled with her name on it and hidden away in the back of the refrigerator. I literally ran to go get it, and then realized that it might smear her make-up if she drinks it from the bottle. There were no straws on set, so I ran to my car and gor one of my personal, very special straws. It's from my favorite Boba Tea place in Orlando, and I keep it in my car because it reminds me of home. I ran this special straw and the special water back to set and held it out for Angel.
I hold it out for her. She ignores me, and I stand there with the drink in my hand, arm extended like an idiot.
"I brought you a straw, too" I say, as a prompt for her to take it.
She makes a "Ffffh" sound with her lips, and takes the drink and straw from my hand without looking at me.
The girls resume filming, and then it's on to a scene involving dialogue! Noooo!
I'd once pitched a script to Garry, who told me that whereas it was a great concept, it was a little too "cerebral" for his demographic.
After watching this poor girl stumble over line after line, they took a break. Garry, who'd spent the last hour feeding the girl four or five words at a time, leaned over and murmured to me:
"See what I meant about cerebral dialogue?"
I heart Garry.
While they toiled away on the paragraph, I was sent to pick up Director's Chairs for Garry, Angel, and one of the visiting Execs.
I returned while they were lunching, and set up the chairs in front of the monitor at the Video Village. Nick approached me and we talked about what time we might expect to leave that evening- he was really upset and wanted to leave early because his Aunt, who had practically raised him, was very sick. We were talking about that in the empty soundstage when Garry suddenly burst through the door with Angel.
"Oh, Jaime- would you mind moving to your left a little?"
Garry showed Angel her chair- the chair I'd been resting my hand on...
I knew Garry didn't care, but Angel had seen my touching her chair.
She hated me from that moment forward.
After lunch, it was time for Angel's scene with a Male Pornstar who proclaims himself a "Squirting Instructor," and could make any woman "Squirt." I was then informed that we'd wrapped the first movie and were now about to shoot a second, different movie. About squirting. Oh God.
After lunch, (which I'd fetched, set up and cleaned,) Angel posed for her photos.
I was standing near the set and noticed that she was getting really snippy with the photographer. Reese pulled me aside and said, "Angel's getting touchy, so can you give her some space?" I did, gladly- I looked busy, elsewhere.
We'd begun at 8AM, and I realized that since Jay wasn't home, there was no one to feed my cats. It was now 10PM. While Angel was being touched up in makeup, I asked Reese what time he thought we'd wrap.
"Oh, within 2 hours, easy."
That was impossible, and since I knew Nick was there and we were useless at the moment, I asked Reese if he'd mind if I drove the 6 miles to my house and fed my cats. He promised we'd be shooting any minute and out the door by midnight.
Reese wanted us to stay put. So we did, and, two and a half hours later, we resumed filming.
First, Angel was interviewed about what an awesome squirter she is. When Garry asked her what it felt like the first time it happened, she said, (and this is awesome) "I dunno. I mean, I know it's not urine, or whatever, but it just comes out and it smells like dog pee."
That was the end of the interview.
Nick had to go home at that point- he got a phone call which let him know that his Aunt had died- he was going to be gone the next day as well. I felt awful for him, and very, very sorry for myself- this meant that I would have to deal with gross stuff.
Angel and The Squirting Instructor (who is charming and funny and curved like a cartoon sausage) finally began their scene- he was impressive, and laid to rest any doubts I had about female pornstars faking orgasms during filming.
Angel might not have felt 100% of every "Oh God oh GOD!!!," but the Squirt Instructor was brilliant and for the final "money shot," Angel produced a small puddle in his hands.
I've never been so happy to see something so gross in my entire life. A few more photos needed to be taken, and Garry asked if I would mind grabbing a towel and drying off the couch they'd been porning on- panic-stricken, I looked at Reese, who heroically jumped in and said, "I'll do it." Whew, I thought- good. Reese had kept his word, and I was spared from the grossness. I was (and am) very grateful for him. There aren't a lot of men in this business who would remember or keep a promise to a PA... Yay for Reese.
Garry happily announced that we were wrapped, and then asked if I would please mop up the floor. Reese was nowhere to be seen... So, knowing that this blog lay in the future, and because Garry asked so nicely, right then and there, I performed the best swallowing scene of the day: I swallowed my pride. Gloved and nauseous, I mopped up the porn juice from the soundstage floor. I thought about my parents. I thought about my college degree. I thought about my MENSA membership, and my general goals in life. I tried to think about absolutely anything other than what I was actually doing...
Angel was right about one thing: Fiji water or not, it DID smell like dog pee.
We finally got everything packed in Reese's truck, and I headed home at 2:30AM.
At $100/day, I'd just spent the grossest work day of my life making $6/hour.
Funny- I'd seen three couples have sex, but I felt totally fucked.
To Be Continued...
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