You all know who she is. You know her songs, and you know her name. She was an International mega star, and, after a brief stint in the tabloids, is now all over TV. Here is the story of how I wound up chatting with her in her kitchen at 11:30pm...
Some of my guardian angels at my former internships still look out for me, and occasionally send me job leads. I received a notice at 1PM that a celebrity and her Producer husband were looking for a personal assistant to manage their affairs and travel with them to England for a few months. Must love kids, must be accessible at random hours when they call from Europe, etc. A positive, "can-do" attitude is a must.
Hey, I thought. I've got a can-do attitude! That's me!
I sent them a personalized cover letter challenging them to call me at 5AM, or whatever insane time they wanted. I told them that I love to travel and have spent time in England before. I explained that I'd worked as a theme park performer and had a history of entertaining children, and that anyone who willingly dresses up as a tapdancing starfish is pretty much guaranteed to have a "can-do" attitude.
A man called me a few hours later, told me that Pop Star and Producer loved my cover letter, and asked me if I'd be willing to meet with the couple and discuss the job further. He said they needed someone right away. They were only interviewing 6 people, but could I please come that night after they were done filming. At 11:30pm. That same night.
Sure! No problem! Weird times? Can-do attitude!
At 11:20, Jay and I pull up to the classic "gate." Jay rolls his window down, and the silver intercom speaker next to him says "Can I help you?"
We identify ourselves, and, like Open Sesame, the massive gate glides silently open, disappearing into the manicured hedges.
We drive up a long driveway and see a gorgeous house- huge windows, oversized luxury door, ivy growing on the walls... this is the guest house.
The ACTUAL house is breathtaking. Everything I'd want to quickly get used to and take for granted.
Suddenly, a giant comes out of the front door- Security. He explains that they're interviewing another candidate- could I wait in the car?
No problem. Can-do!!! See??? CAN-DO!!!
After a few minutes, a confused-looking frumpish girl walks out, and the Giant waves me in.
I walk into their house, (which is amazing, by the way) and there they are- the same people whose photos I'd been googling earlier. Standing in sweat pants in their dazzlingly bright kitchen.
She looks beautiful, but tired. He looks frustrated and annoyed.
I've learned from meeting enough crazy rich people not to try to shake their hand unless they offer it first. He did, she didn't. She looked up to smile briefly and say hello, then became intently focused on her blackberry phone.
"You're married?" begins the Producer. "You don't want this job."
I guess the Giant told them my husband drove me...
Producer explains that their last two Assistants left because their spouses gave them ultimatums after the crazy hours started to affect their marriage.
Producer asks me what my husband will say when I tell him I'm going to England for 4 months.
I said, "He'll probably say I'm getting even at him for going to New York for 4 months."
I explain that we're used to separating for the Greater Good- that we love each other but we're very focused on our careers right now, and we understand the occasional need to... no one is listening.
Pop Star is totally engrossed in her blackberry at this point. She's pressing buttons on the phone, and her massive canary yellow diamond flashes laser-like sparkles into my retinas.
Producer asks me how long I've been married, then sighs when I tell him the answer.
Producer looks at my resume and asks me what I'm doing working for porn. It does not SAY porn on my resume, but he recognized the company's name, which tells me that he's probably OK with porn.
I explain that I got hired through a friend of a friend, and that I was grateful because it provided me with health insurance.
He asks how much I make each week, and how much he'd need to pay me for paying for COBRA.
He's also never heard of COBRA, and starts to look more tired as the Giant chimes in to explain it to him.
I tell him I'd just be thrilled to have a job that wouldn't make my mom cry.
Pop Star looks up and says, "Oh, your mom might cry over this one, too..."
We talk briefly about my resume, and he warns me that their Assistant will not have an easy job.
I tell him about bailing out mosquito-infested larvae-water from my boss's fountain, and scraping spider webs from her Doc Martins.
He's about to ask me something else when Pop Star thrusts her phone an inch away from his nose. The small LCD screen illuminates the bags under his eyes- this man is tired.
"Look at this," she says. "Number 10."
He says nothing, but she is unfazed.
"Number 10," she insists again. "'Cause they think I'm fuckin' amazing!"
She resumes her position, hunched over her phone, leaning against the marble countertops. A supernova of light radiates from her ring.
Producer sighs. "So, we're making calls tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for coming by so late."
They both shake my hand and wish me a good night.
I went home and dreamed about cross-Atlantic flights and running up marble staircases with tea for Pop Star and her friends. Changing Dior Diapers and running errands with limitless credit cards. In my dreams, the inexplicable numerous rabbits that live near London-Heathrow Airport gathered to congratulate me- I was on my way!
The next day, my phone didn't ring, and I wasn't surprised. The Dream Rabbits were wrong- Producer and Pop Star's minds were made up before I walked in. And, as much fun as the fun parts would've been, something in my gut tells me I may have dodged a bullet. I'm OK with this. And, in the fleeting instant it takes for the light from a canary yellow diamond to dazzle your eye, I got to imagine what it would be like to be part of that world.
Showing posts with label personal assistant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal assistant. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
LA Stories: So Glad I Went to College
Here are a few of the random tasks I've been assigned:
1) Remove spiders and cobwebs from the insides of boots
2) Bail mosquito-infested larvae-water out a landscaping fountain
3) Dig through someone's "Sex Drawer" to find an item...
4) sew fur onto a bicycle
5) My boss handed me part of a weird-looking plant and said "find out what this is and if I can eat it."
6) Bring keys and rescue a girlfriend who locked herself out of her car
7) Retrieve Brian De Palma's daughter's diploma from the frame shop
8) Go get "one of everything" from a sushi restaurant
9) Relocate 247 reels of film in large canisters from Melbourne, Australia to Sydney, Australia over the phone.
10) Condense a 1,400 pg. novel down to 7 pages in 3 days.
For the record, I enjoyed the hell out of most of these jobs, and have been lucky to have some amazingly kind mad geniuses to work with.
On #8, my boss shared the sushi with me and we ate ourselves into a sashimi coma. It was delightful!
1) Remove spiders and cobwebs from the insides of boots
2) Bail mosquito-infested larvae-water out a landscaping fountain
3) Dig through someone's "Sex Drawer" to find an item...
4) sew fur onto a bicycle
5) My boss handed me part of a weird-looking plant and said "find out what this is and if I can eat it."
6) Bring keys and rescue a girlfriend who locked herself out of her car
7) Retrieve Brian De Palma's daughter's diploma from the frame shop
8) Go get "one of everything" from a sushi restaurant
9) Relocate 247 reels of film in large canisters from Melbourne, Australia to Sydney, Australia over the phone.
10) Condense a 1,400 pg. novel down to 7 pages in 3 days.
For the record, I enjoyed the hell out of most of these jobs, and have been lucky to have some amazingly kind mad geniuses to work with.
On #8, my boss shared the sushi with me and we ate ourselves into a sashimi coma. It was delightful!
LA Stories: Personal Assistant's Fairy Tale
Jaime was assisting the PropsMaster for "24," when she was sent out to Melrose Mac with $1000 cash and told to purchase 3 three-terabyte harddrives. She also had numerous other errands to run, such as finding a play-by-play bracelet (???), a discontinued LED clip light, vacuum bags, and figuring out whether or not the PropsMaster should eat a plant she had found while hiking.
Jaime was extremely focused, because she wanted to continue working for the Propsmaster.
She went to a Botanica in Long Beach to identify the plant sample. She went to a Sports Chalet in Van Nuys and picked up the play-by-play bracelet. She ordered the vacuum bags online, and then headed to the WalMart in Northridge (in the Valley) to find the LED light. On her way out of the WalMart, a Mexican lady called out to her, waving aloft a plastic bag full of ripe red cherries. "Cher-riesss?" the lady sang.
"No thank you," Jaime said, and continued on her way. She wanted to get to Melrose Mac before they closed, and it made her nervous to carry that much cash around. But the Valley is hellaciously hot, and as she was stopped at a red light, a SECOND Mexican was swinging bags of luscious red juicy mouthwatering cherries near the cars and whistling. These neon-red succulent moist cherries had beads of water on them, and they sparkled like rubies in the hazy smoggy light of the valley- a red beacon of edible justice. It was too much to resist.
Jaime gave the Mexican the $1000 and took a bag of cherries back to the PropsMaster instead. "Where are my harddrives?" the PropsMaster asked. "Where is that $1000 cash I gave you?!?"
"Here," Jaime said. "I got these cherries for you instead- a Mexican sold them to me."
"What am I going to do with CHERRIES?!?" The PropsMaster was angry. "What am I going to store all this footage of Keifer Sutherland kicking ass and blowing stuff up on?!?" She hurled the cherries out the window. "You're fired!" she screamed.
Jaime was sad, but as she slunk back to her car, she noticed the ground was shaking- was this an infamous California earthquake? No- she looked at where the cherries had landed and all at once, a massive escalator sprang forth from the ground, and grew and grew and grew, all the way up into the Smog.
Jaime got on the escalator, and rode it up, up, up, into the SmogLand, where a massive TV/Film Literary Talent Agency loomed in the distance. "Ho, Hum, Ho, Hum, who will I hire in the interim," a giant voice boomed from the Agency.
Jaime walked carefully along the thin yellow smog until she could peek into the door of this huge Literary Agency. Inside was a Giant Agent, sitting at a giant desk. "Ho, Hum, Ho, Hum, Who will I hire in the interim?" the Giant mused again.
Jaime noticed a faint glow coming from the Giant's desk- a screenplay was sparkling- 120 pages of pure Hollywood Gold! She knew she had to have the script, but she didn't want to interview with the Giant, because Giants don't pay- they only hire interns. Instead, she hid behind a fake plant in the lobby and waited.
As the Giant typed a job-placement ad online on the UTA joblist, he suddenly grew very sleepy, and fell asleep at his desk. His snores rattled the agency. Jaime snuck over to the massive desk and snatched the screenplay, heading for the door. However, the door struck her on her ass on the way out, making a meaty "thwapping" sound that awoke the sleeping Agent. He stood up with a start, and immediately noticed that his screenplay was missing.
"Whooo stole my Golden Screenplay?!?" he bellowed, and then he spotted Jaime making her way out.
"I-I was just optioning it!" Jaime cried.
"I'll grind your bones and make you into overpriced sushi," the Agent roared. He chased Jaime all the way back to the escalator, where Jaime began to rush down. She thought the Agent was going to stay in the SmogLand, but instead she turned to see a giant Porsche barreling down on her. Nearing the bottom of the escalator, she ran as fast as she could, but the Porsche closed in- she could see the veins bulging in the Agent's neck- certain doom was fast approaching-
But at the very last second, Keifer Sutherland appeared and yanked the Giant Agent from his car, kicked his ass, and exploded him dramatically.
"Oh my god- Keifer Sutherland!" Jaime was overjoyed to see him. "You saved me!- And I loved you in 'Flatliners!' How can I ever thank you?"
Keifer Sutherland just smiled and said, "Hey, no problem. I just do what I do best. Hey, are those cherries I see over there?" Keifer Sutherland popped some of the leftover cherries into his mouth as pieces of ash and Giant rained down around him like blown-up whale bits.
"Delicious," he said.
The PropsMaster had seen the whole thing, and saw that Jaime's Mexi-Cherries had made Keifer Sutherland smile, so she gave Jaime her job back and even paid her for her lunch hour.
As for Jaime, she went home that night and slept the sweet sleep of heroes, knowing that sometime soon, she would option the living crap out of her kickass Golden Screenplay.
The End.
Jaime was extremely focused, because she wanted to continue working for the Propsmaster.
She went to a Botanica in Long Beach to identify the plant sample. She went to a Sports Chalet in Van Nuys and picked up the play-by-play bracelet. She ordered the vacuum bags online, and then headed to the WalMart in Northridge (in the Valley) to find the LED light. On her way out of the WalMart, a Mexican lady called out to her, waving aloft a plastic bag full of ripe red cherries. "Cher-riesss?" the lady sang.
"No thank you," Jaime said, and continued on her way. She wanted to get to Melrose Mac before they closed, and it made her nervous to carry that much cash around. But the Valley is hellaciously hot, and as she was stopped at a red light, a SECOND Mexican was swinging bags of luscious red juicy mouthwatering cherries near the cars and whistling. These neon-red succulent moist cherries had beads of water on them, and they sparkled like rubies in the hazy smoggy light of the valley- a red beacon of edible justice. It was too much to resist.
Jaime gave the Mexican the $1000 and took a bag of cherries back to the PropsMaster instead. "Where are my harddrives?" the PropsMaster asked. "Where is that $1000 cash I gave you?!?"
"Here," Jaime said. "I got these cherries for you instead- a Mexican sold them to me."
"What am I going to do with CHERRIES?!?" The PropsMaster was angry. "What am I going to store all this footage of Keifer Sutherland kicking ass and blowing stuff up on?!?" She hurled the cherries out the window. "You're fired!" she screamed.
Jaime was sad, but as she slunk back to her car, she noticed the ground was shaking- was this an infamous California earthquake? No- she looked at where the cherries had landed and all at once, a massive escalator sprang forth from the ground, and grew and grew and grew, all the way up into the Smog.
Jaime got on the escalator, and rode it up, up, up, into the SmogLand, where a massive TV/Film Literary Talent Agency loomed in the distance. "Ho, Hum, Ho, Hum, who will I hire in the interim," a giant voice boomed from the Agency.
Jaime walked carefully along the thin yellow smog until she could peek into the door of this huge Literary Agency. Inside was a Giant Agent, sitting at a giant desk. "Ho, Hum, Ho, Hum, Who will I hire in the interim?" the Giant mused again.
Jaime noticed a faint glow coming from the Giant's desk- a screenplay was sparkling- 120 pages of pure Hollywood Gold! She knew she had to have the script, but she didn't want to interview with the Giant, because Giants don't pay- they only hire interns. Instead, she hid behind a fake plant in the lobby and waited.
As the Giant typed a job-placement ad online on the UTA joblist, he suddenly grew very sleepy, and fell asleep at his desk. His snores rattled the agency. Jaime snuck over to the massive desk and snatched the screenplay, heading for the door. However, the door struck her on her ass on the way out, making a meaty "thwapping" sound that awoke the sleeping Agent. He stood up with a start, and immediately noticed that his screenplay was missing.
"Whooo stole my Golden Screenplay?!?" he bellowed, and then he spotted Jaime making her way out.
"I-I was just optioning it!" Jaime cried.
"I'll grind your bones and make you into overpriced sushi," the Agent roared. He chased Jaime all the way back to the escalator, where Jaime began to rush down. She thought the Agent was going to stay in the SmogLand, but instead she turned to see a giant Porsche barreling down on her. Nearing the bottom of the escalator, she ran as fast as she could, but the Porsche closed in- she could see the veins bulging in the Agent's neck- certain doom was fast approaching-
But at the very last second, Keifer Sutherland appeared and yanked the Giant Agent from his car, kicked his ass, and exploded him dramatically.
"Oh my god- Keifer Sutherland!" Jaime was overjoyed to see him. "You saved me!- And I loved you in 'Flatliners!' How can I ever thank you?"
Keifer Sutherland just smiled and said, "Hey, no problem. I just do what I do best. Hey, are those cherries I see over there?" Keifer Sutherland popped some of the leftover cherries into his mouth as pieces of ash and Giant rained down around him like blown-up whale bits.
"Delicious," he said.
The PropsMaster had seen the whole thing, and saw that Jaime's Mexi-Cherries had made Keifer Sutherland smile, so she gave Jaime her job back and even paid her for her lunch hour.
As for Jaime, she went home that night and slept the sweet sleep of heroes, knowing that sometime soon, she would option the living crap out of her kickass Golden Screenplay.
The End.
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