Tuesday, May 11, 2010

L.A. Stories- The Rise, Fall, and Refractory Period of a Porn Empire

Yesterday, I found out how my pornographic film production and distribution company got its start. It involves porn! And drugs! And prison! And betrayal and intrigue! Here, in lurid detail, is the story...

A long time ago, in the Silicone Valley, (Chatsworth, CA) a clever Business Man hooked up with a creative porn Director. The Business Man, who we'll call "Mike," was very excited to market the Director's innovative (and incredibly inexpensively produced) new "P.O.V." style of porn. POV stands for "point-of-view," and the movies became very popular because they allowed viewers to imagine that the onscreen action was happening to them- they never saw a male porn star's face, and they weren't distracted by the unnecessary frivolous additions of lighting, music, plot lines or dialogue.

Mike the Business Man made a fortune, and he and the Director cranked out one or two movies every week! They hired editors, assistants, drivers, personal trainers, additional directors, and eventually bought a huge building with a massive warehouse attached to it, and hired people to ship their shitty movies all over the country.

Mike was a true entrepreneur, and also very generous. Sure, he drove his Bentlys and Ferraris around, but one year, he bought his employees houses. Just for fun! To maximize his profit, he also began selling drugs, and, through hard work and dedication, eventually became one of the 5 biggest drug dealers in all of California!

One day, Mike got taken down in a massive drug bust, and was sent to jail for 10 years! His half-brother, "Ike," volunteered to run the business for him while he was incarcerated. Ike had been working in the warehouse, and was well-liked, so Mike agreed, and Ike moved into his half-brother's giant corner office.

Shortly after they combined forces, a douchebag who sleeps with celebrities telephoned Ike and offered to sell him some footage of the time he'd sex with a famous hotel heiress. Ike had hit the jackpot! After paying the heiress just $400,000 for the rights to the video, the douchebag, the heiress and the Porn Company all became household names! Soon, C and D-List "celebrities" from all over were contacting the company, offering to sell them sex tapes.

With these movies selling really well, there was less of a need for the other shitty porn. Many of the directors became restless and angry, feeling that they were not being paid enough. Several left to form their own companies. leaving just the really weird ones with the original company.

One director, who stayed, would put a spiked training collar around an "actress's" neck, then film her as he'd drag her down the carpeted hallways until her knees were bloodied and raw from rugburns. He'd then drag her into the men's bathroom, still pointing his camera at her, and have her perform oral sex on him while he sat on a toilet and pooped. He'd then pay the girl $200 cash and call it a day.

The ten years passed, and Mike was released from jail, ready to rule his porn empire with his brother. However, prison'll change a man, and shortly after Mike's return, Ike accused Mike of "moving product" from the warehouse at night. A fistfight ensued. Mike, hardened from life in prison, was much better at fighting and punched Ike, knocking him out.

When he awoke, Ike was pissed and wanted to press charges against his half-brother. However, as this would've been Mike's Third Strike, he'd have to spend the rest of his life in jail.
Instead of pressing charges, Mike let Ike buy him out of the company, and the two parted ways. Mike took the remaining directors with him, and formed a separate company and left his half-brother to run what was left of the company on his own. The two still bitterly hate each other.

Ike was a nice guy, but not much of a business man. Without Mike's guidance, the company stopped making money. To make matters worse, the internet became a source of free porn, so people stopped buying DVDs unless they had A-List names on them- and the company had run out of A-List names.

When the money dried up, most of the remaining employees scattered, leaving a massive empty building to house the 8-person company. When the company failed to get the rights to the "Kid Rock/Scott Stapp Groupie Blow Job On A Bus" movie, it signified the beginning of the end. Kid Rock's shyness about his inability to maintain an erection due to a medical condition known in the Industry as "coke dick" spelled certain doom for the company. To make ends meet, Ike allowed other porn companies to operate out of the building, and tried to get a pay-per-spank web site up and running, but it was too little too late.

The company is back to shitty POV porn, but they can no longer even afford locations for these low-budget films. Instead, they shoot on their own desks in their own offices.
The remaining director here wants so badly to shoot movies for the company, but they won't approve any sort of budget for him to hire quality people to work on the set for either side of the camera. Most of the people (including the actresses) he uses are friends he made in Rehab.

Reduced to the one disgruntled remaining director and no production funds, Ike, experiencing marital troubles, moved his two giant bear-dogs and his "19-year-old" girlfriend into his corner office in Chatsworth, and refuses to answer his phone.

I spend most of my work day dodging calls from Collections for Ike. Mercedes Benz, Verizon, Dell- they all want their money. It's become a joke between me and the calling centers- we all know what's going on. The worst, though, is when I have to dodge calls from people who've worked as crew or talent on a movie. They'll call or stop by, expecting their $150 check for the day's work, and I have to tell them that "it's not available." When they finally do get paid, they go immediately to the bank to cash it, then call me from the bank, furious because the bank tells them our company's account has "insufficient funds."

To say the least.

One of the people who runs his own distribution company from our building will answer his phone, but if he realizes it's Collections, he'll lie and tell them they have the wrong person. He'll do this multiple times, without telling me what's he's up to. So the Collections Guy will then redial me and insist that I'm a retard and I'm repeatedly connecting them to the wrong extension.

Another company within the building, also hurting from the internet YouPorn boom, knew I was looking for extra cash and offered me $150 to masturbate on a toilet for a "security cam" POV movie. Naturally, I was flattered, but I had to decline- I know what happens on those toilets. I've worked here for four months now and I still refuse to even sit down on them. I'll hover, thanks.

We've stopped accepting new "talent," as well, so when the girls show up in their fishnet minidresses with their vaginas hanging out, I sadly have to turn them away... We used to photograph and interview them, maintaining a database of available skanks, but no more. Instead, dejected and waffle-patterened from their mesh, they must pack up their labia and hit up the next company.

There is hope on the horizon- sooner or later, another douchebag will show up at the door with footage of Tiger Woods or Jesse James having sex with them- but until then, I will answer the phone in a vague, nondescript manner and transfer all calls from Collections (about 40 a day) directly to voicemail.

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