The next day, I drove way up into the Hollywood hills for the second (and last) day of the shoot. I'd learned the night before that it would be a Day of Squirting, so I ate a light breakfast and hoped I wouldn't see it again. Nick was gone that day, so any clean-up duty was going to fall on my shoulders if Reese wasn't around. I said a sticky prayer and went in.
The home was gorgeous, and overlooked LA in an ironic, mocking fashion that said to me, "Hey, congrats- you're finally inside a House on The Hills. Now go get a mop, there's jizz on the floor."
If I thought I'd seen "squirting" the night before, I was in for a surprise- and so was the crew! After the previous nights puddling, we were ready for about a cup of liquid to splash out of the Talent's vagina- I can honestly say no one was prepared for what happened next:
Garry held one camera while the Camera Guy held the other. I held cables and stood next to the Camera Guy. A really nice pair of Porn Stars were on a couch outside by the pool, and the girl seemed to be enjoying herself. "Oh God, I'm gonna come- here it comes!"
Yeah, yeah- we'd seen it before- we were wrong:
A hot, thick, ropy jet of fluid shot out like a fire hose from between the girl's legs, streaming 8 feet across the patio and dousing the sliding glass door, which, mercifully, was closed.
The liquid exploded everywhere- I leaped backwards out of the way, Matrix-style, leaving the poor Camera Man to catch the brunt of it.
"WHOA!" shouted the stunned Director.
"Oh, did I get you?" asked Firehose.
"No," said the Camera Man, wiping the side of his face with his shirt. "You got me."
"Whuh..." I stammered, intelligently.
Garry was thrilled- you'd think he'd discovered porn for the first time. He urged everyone to keep going, and wore a kid-on-Christmas grin for the rest of the day.
I thought for sure that after that display, we were safe, but we were completely stunned when she did it again- and AGAIN! It was like on the Discovery Channel when they show how giant squids work- it was freakish and really, really strangely impressive!
"Where is all that coming from?!?" we asked.
Firehose just smiled- she was having a lot of fun shocking us.
By now, I'd learned to hide completely behind the camera man, and I'd covered my hair with a bandana. I put my sunglasses on, like protective goggles, and pulled my mouth and nose under my shirt. I was NOT about to take it in the face- I'm not that kind of girl.
We wrapped that scene, and Reese mercifully cleaned up the couch.
Then we re-arranged the heavy furniture in the living room for another scene with another couple. I'd completely thrown my back out the week before working for free on a horror movie, and all this furniture moving was killing me. Crouching all day wasn't helping, but it did yield a discovery:
I found a new-looking pink thong under a couch with some dust-bunnies... We were not the first porn crew to use this location.
Garry wanted to do special "Squirting" production stills, so he had Reese teach me how to prepare a water douche for the girls.
I've never used, touched, or even SEEN a douche in my life.
We used to have boxes of them laying around the Porn Office, but I never opened them because a) they weren't mine and b) ew, gross.
They look kind of like sinus-rinse squeeze bottles.
Reese showed me how to un-screw the rubbery top and pour out the vinegary fluid inside, then replace it with slightly warm water.
He tested the temperature of the sink water by holding his wrist under the faucet's stream, like a mom checking a milk-bottle's temperature for her infant.
Reese, again, is pretty cool. Here is a fun story about how nice Reese is to these girls, as told to me by Reese:
"So this girl was on her period, but she really needed the money so she still takes the scene. To make sure the guy's dick doesn't show any blood on it, she takes little make-up sponges and shoves them up inside her. So they do the scene and everything's fine, right, except afterwards, she's taking forever in the bathroom. I ask her what's wrong and she says that she can't get the last sponge out. She says she's gonna have to go to the gyno to get it removed, and that it'll cost her all the money she made working that day. (This company, though run by awesome people, is notorious for paying the lowest rates in town.) So I don't want her to cry, so I offer to take it out for her. She sits down on the toilet, and I reach in, knowing it's all bloody in there, but I can't show any disgust on my face because I don't wanna hurt her feelings, and I fish out the sponge for her, and she was really happy."
That's how nice Reese can be.
Reese is also the guy who offered me $150 to masturbate on a toilet for one of his "Security Cam POV" scenes. Even though he assured me that my face would be blurred, I politely declined.
Reese is trying to make a name for himself, and although he's well-endowed, he hasn't taken off as a porn star. He has directed a few POV scenes, which involve him paying a girl $150-$200 to perform oral sex on him while he holds a video camera. I always knew when he had a shoot coming up because he'd change his lunch habits. Usually, Reese likes to eat burgers, but the day prior to a shoot, he'll eat healthy foods so his fluids will taste better. I find this very considerate, but when I ask him why his rates are so low, he tells me, "hey, if one girl won't do it for that low, there's another girl who hasn't worked in 3 weeks who's sitting on her couch and she needs the money. I pay that low because I can."
Reese is a contradiction.
But, nevertheless, I prepare this water-douche for the next girl, and watch as she squeezes the water in her vagina, then spectacularly sneezes it out in a glittery rainbow prism display of skill and prowess. They snap several pictures of this- then it's time for sex again.
We started filming the second scene of the day, and, if the first girl had impressed us, this next girl was by no means a let-down.
They started their performance on the couch, and then, like a sprinkler, she spasmed and shook and hosed pretty much everything in the room. I was protected, but the cables I had to hold were now sticky. Ugh.
When the Talent took a break to grab some water, I grabbed my gloves. I pretty much looked like one of the Sand People from Star Wars at this point, but I didn't care. $6/hour is NOT enough for me to handle bodily fluids.
Sprinkler took the water I brought her and drank the entire bottle without stopping to breathe- I was impressed. She told me that the secret was to breathe through the nose while drinking.
This is an old technique taught in Marching Band, called "circular breathing." I could never do it. Now I'm kind of glad.
When they were ready, we resumed filming and she performed fellatio on her costar. This was the grossest thing ever, because Sprinkler may have been breathing the whole time, but her throat, esophagus, and stomach made the most wretched noises I've ever heard.
Her organs were gagging and convulsing, and the sound seemed magnified as it came out of her marvelous nose and throat.
As her co-star moaned in pleasure, Sprinkler gagged and made little pre-vomiting noises.
I have a sympathetic stomach- if I'm around someone who is vomiting, I will vomit. I can't help it; it's just how it is- so when I heard her body making those sounds, my stomach spasmed and began to duplicate what hers was doing. For the next hour, I begged and pleaded with my breakfast to stay put. I tried so hard to think of anything else, but the hardwood floors and bare walls echoed the sounds. I was in hell.
And my cables were getting Sprinkled on.
Finally, she gushed for a final time, and we set up for the final shot of the day.
And guess who the lucky Star was?
If you read part 1 of this blog and you guessed Angel, you're right! Yayyy!
Angel spent hours in make-up- she gets hair extensions placed for every scene she does. Head hair, not pubes. Porn Stars don't have pubes. It's like a rule. In fact, only one girl, Sprinkler, had a small thin landing strip, which prompted Reese to greet her with the phrase, "Hey, Fuzzy!"
While we waited for Angel, I asked the camera man what the deal was with Sprinkler's sound effects. He shrugged and said that some guys were into it, because that sound reminds them of how it feels when a girl's throat tightens around the tip of their penis.
I made a mental note to give my husband a huge hug when I saw him next, for not being that type of guy.
I was trying to be prepared ahead of time, so I took the last douche from the box and filled it with water.
Since we weren't given a lunch break (or lunch) that day, I stole off to the craft table (which I'd set up) as soon as my stomach was settled. My back was killing me. As I stretched, I saw that Angel was hovering around, staring at herself in a mirror.
"Hey, you," she said, talking to me but staring at herself.
"Hello," I said.
"Gimmie some gum."
Uhhhh... I forsook my sandwich and ransacked the supplies for gum, eventually finding her stash. I handed the pack to her, and she turned her head away from me while she snatched it out of my hand. I wanted to be prepared to go home that night, so I started packing up the food. There was an empty trash can, so I threw away the last water-douche.
Soon, it was time to film, but at the last minute, Angel decided that she wanted to douche herself. Probably because she doesn't want another incident like the Great Yeast-Infection Scene of 2010. But for whatever reason, this only occurs to her right then. Like it's a surprise that she's going to be using her vagina that day.
There's a mad scramble, during which I have to confess that not only did I un-douchify the last douche, but I'd thrown it away. I showed Reese the totally clean and otherwise empty trash bag I'd thrown it away in, and asked him if he wanted to offer that to Angel.
He was horror-stricken at the idea, telling me, "you wouldn't put something inside you that someone else has been handling, would you?"
I look back into the living room where the male Porn Star is jerking off in preparation.
"Ummm."
I was halfway down the mountain in my car on a madcap race to buy a douche when I got called back on my cellphone- it's Reese. "Never mind," Reese said. "Angel changed her mind."
I get back and Reese is trying to hit on Angel to lift her mood:
"I mean, do you bleach your anus? Because it looks like you've never pooped!"
She rolls her eyes at him. No dice.
We start filming. Angel performs oral for about 10 minutes until Garry notices that she's still got the gum in her mouth.
Angel is the kind of girl who says "Gummies!" and then spits her gum out into a PA's hand. I am NOT that PA. She fully expected to spit her gum into my hand and looked insulted when I put my gloves on and walked a trash can over to her.
We resume filming, and finally, finally, it's time for the Fip and then the Pop.
But the Pop doesn't come. Something about Angel's vagina does this to people- we wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and then FINALLY he does his thing and we can go home.
Reese handles the couch.
While I'm helping clean-up, the freshly-showered male porn star comes out to say goodnight and thank us. He's a nice guy too. In fact, everyone but Angel was an absolute gem.
"So what's with all the gloves?" he asks me. "Do you work for OSHA or something?"
I really didn't know how to answer...
"I guess I'm shy around fluids," I say. "You know, squeamish?"
He laughs. "Like you've never touched another person's fluids before!"
At this point, Reese and Garry (who know about my relationship with Jay) pipe in.
"Oh, Jaime's special," Garry says. "She's only been with one person."
"What!" The porn star is shocked.
"Yeah," says Reese. "That's pretty rare in this industry."
"Wow," says the Porn Star to me. "You're like a Unicorn!"
I take it as a compliment. I AM like a Unicorn, dammit!
...Or, since I've only worked one porn set, a "Uniporn."
It's finally the end of the night- my back is on fire while I'm rearranging furniture and Garry comes up to thank me for my hard work. He mentions that he's putting an extra $50 in my check because I did a great job and he knows yesterday was a long day. I love Garry.
The furniture is reset, the sticky cables are wrapped, and I'm ready to go. I wait while Reese writes my check and insinuates that he's the one who talked Garry into bumping my check up a little. At this point, I know what he's up to.
"So, we might shoot bonus footage with Angel tomorrow- do you want to come back and work?"
"Aw, thanks for the offer, but my back is really jacked up- I'd suffer through it, but at what, $8 an hour I'd rather see if I can get some extra work since it pays better."
"That's OK," Reese says. "I completely understand- there's some girl on her couch right now who'll do it for $100."
I bade him goodnight and drove off as fast as I could.
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