Sketch Comedy: Oregon Trail

JAMES, JAIME, KATIE, MIKE, SUMMER, AND CHARLES STAND AROUND.
CHASE approaches the group.

CHASE
Hey, guys, I got $500 and a wagon- who wants to head west with me and get super rich discovering gold?

KATIE
Are you a banker or a farmer?

CHASE
Carpenter.

KATIE
Coolio- I’m in.

JAIME
You don’t have a lot of money, Chase.

CHASE
Yeah, but I can fix shit when it breaks.

JAIME
Let me grab my purse.

CHARLES
Me too!

JAIME, KATIE, CHASE
You have a purse?

CHARLES
Um.

JAMES
I’m in too.

SUMMER
Ditto!

MIKE
(as Gimley from Lord of the Rings)
And My Axe!

The ensemble moves, as a unit, facing stage right, and takes a step.

CHASE
Allright, here we go!

They take another step.

CHASE (CONT’D)
Shit- it’s a river.

ALL
(shouting in disagreement)
Ford it! Ferry it! Pay an Indian!

CHASE
We have to ford, guys- I don’t want to spend the money on the ferry.

SUMMER
Cheap bastard.

JAIME
I told you guys not to go Carpenter.

JAMES
(spins away and off-stage)
Shiiiiiiiiittttt!!!

CHARLES
James drowned and died.

JAIME
God dammit, Chase!

KATIE
(innocently)
Why couldn’t he swim?

CHASE
Look, a bear!

CHARLES
Shoot it!

Chase mimes loading a gun, aiming, and firing several times.

JAIME
What is your problem, Chase?

CHASE
I only have 300 bullets! I don’t wanna miss, and those squirrels are too fast!

SUMMER
It only takes one- gimmie.

She grabs the “shotgun” and fires! Direct hit!

ALL
Hooray!

KATIE
It’s upside down, that’s funny!

MIKE
I’ll get it.

Mike struggles but he cannot lift the “bear.”

CHASE
Yeah, guys, sorry, but we can only take back 80 pounds.

SUMMER
You are the dumbest trailmaster ever, Chase Padgett. Gehhh!

Puking, Summer runs off stage.

CHARLES
Summer got Dysentary and died.

SUMMER
(from offstage)
Lame!

CHASE
Let’s keep going.

JAIME
Should we trade some stuff, and fix our wagon?

CHASE
I’ll fix your wagon.

“Crickets Chirping” SFX as everyone stares hatefully at Chase.

CHASE (CONT’D)
OK, let’s keep going.

Chase, Jaime, Katie, Charles and Mike attempt another few group steps. Mike lags behind.

CHASE (CONT’D)
You coming?

MIKE
Yeah, I don’t wanna play anymore. People keep dying, and there’s really no rhyme or reason to it.

CHARLES
(mumbling)
Mike got dystentary and died.

MIKE
Don’t fucking jinx me, Charles!

JAIME
C’mon, Mike, we’re almost to the cool part.

KATIE
The Rio Grande! It’s beautiful!

CHARLES
So green!

JAIME
Look, there’s little rocks in it!

CHASE
Yeah, be careful, don’t hit ‘em!

Mike grudgingly joins the group, and they move left and right and forward, one step at a time, across the stage.

ALL
Be careful! Look out! Don’t touch the edge, Chase- let me do it!

After a tense moment, the group makes it to the other side of the stage.

CHASE
Yes! We did it!

ALL
Awesome! Yeah! Woo!

MIKE
So, where’s the gold?

CHASE
Um... gold?

JAIME
Yeah, you said there’d be gold when we got here.

CHASE
Well, no, see- the whole point is to “get here,” you know?

KATIE
(freaking out)
Wait- we- we came three thousand miles- we- lost Summer- and that black guy-

Confused looks.

KATIE (CONT’D)
and now- there’s NO GOLD?!?

CHARLES
Wait wait wait- maybe this whole game was a metaphor- maybe it’s about the journey, and not the destination...

MIKE
That’s the stupidest shit I ever heard.

CHARLES
But it's Aerosmith!

MIKE
Aerosmith sucks- C’mon, guys- my mom bought me the Nintendo Power Glove.

ALL
Awesome! Let’s go! Zelda! Yeah!

MIKE
(to Chase)
You’re not coming, Carpenter.

CHASE
(sad)
Aww.