After escaping The Wizzard and crashing with Paul, the good people at CraigsList LA revealed to me a potenial new place to live! In NoHo, cats OK purr, rent reasonable, blah blah. There were even smiley faces on the ad! How could I resist? The ad said they were looking for roomies with interesting jobs, so I called up and introduced myself as a Stiltwalker. I was in.
Andrew, the guy renting the rooms, explained over the phone that both of his roomies were moving out at the same time and he was looking for more of a "family" atmosphere, where we could hang out and be comfortable around one another. After living in a domestic violence situation, I was all for this. We set up a time to meet and I headed over.
Judging from his voice over the phone, I expected a small gay dude. What I got instead was a large, muscley black gay dude! Surprise! He seemed really laid back when we met in person... like, TOO laid back... I asked him if he was into partying, and he told me that he didn't do drugs. Another point in his favor. I asked him if he was dating anyone, if I should be expecting a lot of fellas over late at night and he got confused.
"I'm not gay," he explained.
"Oh," I said, still unsure.
Even though he seemed really out of it, Andrew let me fill out an application as if it was a done deal. The room was TINY- but it was a room in a safe place- and the other roommate moving in was to be a girl named Taz! Taz (short for "Tanaaz") is from Australia, and works as a nanny while auditioning for films and commercials. Andrew explained that he was an Audio Engineer and a stand-up comic.
"I walk on stilts, so... with our powers combined..."
Done and done.
Tazzie and I moved in the same day.
My friends Paul and Todd helped me move in, but as soon as the bed was loaded into my room we noticed a problem: nothing else would fit in there.
I held back the hot tears of an impending panic attack while the boys figured it out- if they stacked my remaining furniture on top of itself, completely blocking the window, we could fit my clothes in the room. Maybe.
There was no overhead light fixture, so as the pile of furniture eclisped the last escaping light of the sun, I held my breath and suppressed my screaming internal OCD... "It's OK. It's fine. I'm safe here..."
And thus I was moved into my tiny dark hole.
Due to a scheduling mishap with his cruise ship job, I was able to return the favor Paul did me by letting him live with me- Andrew and Taz, after meeting Paul, very graciously invited him to crash with us since he was in-between homes and had been so kind to me.
Everyone got along famously- until Uche happened...
The very first week Taz, Paul, and I moved in, Andrew spontaneously invited his brand new girlfriend Uche to live with us. Uche seemed quirky and high-maintenance, but since Andrew had been so kind with Paul's situation, I wasn't about to complain.
Uche (pronounced "Ooo-chay") had just been mysteriously fired from her job as a cold-caller finding financial backers for a film project, but she was planning to rebound quickly and got a part-time job as a hairstylist. Andrew, with a huge kind heart, was allowing her to live with us rent-free and chip in when she could. Uche wound up working an entire 2 days at the salon before she realized it was easier to stay home and do nothing.
In her spare time, she enjoyed talking loudly to the TV and eating my food.
Not just some of my food- ALL my food.
Paul and I went grocery shopping our first week in, and came home from work to find most of it gone by the end of the night. She and Andrew would drink an entire container of juice, leaving only a thimble's-worth at the bottom. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be the end of the world, but I was so poor at that point an empty container of food made me want to cry.
Then the night terrors happened... Not theirs- ours.
Paul and I shared a wall with Uche and Andrew, and it was at night that Uche's (legitimate) Bipolar Disorder came out. Born without the skill of an "inside voice," Uche would lecture Andrew for hours- HOURS- about how awesome she was, to the point of mania. Here is a direct (and my favorite) quote:
Uche: "I gave you my pussy- that's right- I GAVE you my power- and that was MY mistake- that was MY fuckup- and now I've gotta sit here with YOU? Do you even KNOW how many people are DYING to be my friend? There are hundreds of people on my phone right now who would DIE to be with me, and I'm with YOU."
Andrew: "Please go fuck yourself."
Uche was born in Africa, and has had a tough life. She claims that her dad tried to kill her. She's a people person, and very skilled at getting people to give her things for free (like living rent-free with Andrew, for example) but her gift comes with the hefty price of being bat-shit crazy. Since she is a Scientologist, she doesn't believe in medicine, and would berate Andrew for being "weak" and depending on Paxil for his Anxiety and Depression.
After a few weeks of sleep deprivation, Andrew caved and broke up with her, but he did it by placing all of her belongings outside in our building's shared garage space. It was behind the gate for our cars, but still, he pretty much dumped her out on the street.
This drama happened while I was working Halloween Horror Nights, so I was pretty much out of the loop- Paul had gone to train for his cruise ship job in Vegas, so for a few days, the house was quiet during the day.
Then Uche hopped the gate and bum-rushed Taz when the garage door opened, just long enough to run upstairs and STEAL ANDREW'S PAXIL.
Cops were called, the usual drama ensued. Thanks LA.
Then, I came home after my Horror Nights shift (at 4AM) to find Uche, who again hopped the gate, sleeping, blocking the doorway to our house. Rising like a zombie, she lurched towards me in the darkness and scared the shit out of me- which was fair, because really, that's what I'd been doing to other people for the previous 8 hours. Uche claimed that she and Andrew had made up, and that I should let her in to sleep on our couch. I wasn't buying it.
Taz was awake, Skyping with some Aussie friends, and she and I woke Andrew up to deal with the situation.
Andrew let us down, big time- he finally answered his door after we knocked and knocked, then told us he was too "over it" to deal with Uche. This left me and Tazzie with a crazy woman on the other side of our door. Neither one of us wanted to let her in, but we couldn't let her sleep out in the cold either, so BOTH of us got in my car and drove Uche back to her Hollywood apartment. During the car ride, no one brought up the fact that it was fucking insane. We did, however, as a group, enjoy spotting hookers on the way to and from Uche's place. We even saw one get arrested. Oh, the places you'll go! Dr. Seuss has nothing on me.
The next day Andrew didn't want to deal with it either, and the subject got dropped. Naturally, we assumed they'd broken up for good.
Until about 2 weeks later when she came over at his invitation, spent the night, and STOLE A HOUSEKEY.
Goddammit, Andrew. Bitch played you for a fool.
So she came and went at odd hours, like a Bipolar ghost. Taz and I began to sleep less easy, but little did we know: Uche was not the problem...
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