Tuesday, January 12, 2010

LA Stories: Personal Assistant's Fairy Tale

Jaime was assisting the PropsMaster for "24," when she was sent out to Melrose Mac with $1000 cash and told to purchase 3 three-terabyte harddrives. She also had numerous other errands to run, such as finding a play-by-play bracelet (???), a discontinued LED clip light, vacuum bags, and figuring out whether or not the PropsMaster should eat a plant she had found while hiking.
Jaime was extremely focused, because she wanted to continue working for the Propsmaster.

She went to a Botanica in Long Beach to identify the plant sample. She went to a Sports Chalet in Van Nuys and picked up the play-by-play bracelet. She ordered the vacuum bags online, and then headed to the WalMart in Northridge (in the Valley) to find the LED light. On her way out of the WalMart, a Mexican lady called out to her, waving aloft a plastic bag full of ripe red cherries. "Cher-riesss?" the lady sang.

"No thank you," Jaime said, and continued on her way. She wanted to get to Melrose Mac before they closed, and it made her nervous to carry that much cash around. But the Valley is hellaciously hot, and as she was stopped at a red light, a SECOND Mexican was swinging bags of luscious red juicy mouthwatering cherries near the cars and whistling. These neon-red succulent moist cherries had beads of water on them, and they sparkled like rubies in the hazy smoggy light of the valley- a red beacon of edible justice. It was too much to resist.

Jaime gave the Mexican the $1000 and took a bag of cherries back to the PropsMaster instead. "Where are my harddrives?" the PropsMaster asked. "Where is that $1000 cash I gave you?!?"

"Here," Jaime said. "I got these cherries for you instead- a Mexican sold them to me."

"What am I going to do with CHERRIES?!?" The PropsMaster was angry. "What am I going to store all this footage of Keifer Sutherland kicking ass and blowing stuff up on?!?" She hurled the cherries out the window. "You're fired!" she screamed.

Jaime was sad, but as she slunk back to her car, she noticed the ground was shaking- was this an infamous California earthquake? No- she looked at where the cherries had landed and all at once, a massive escalator sprang forth from the ground, and grew and grew and grew, all the way up into the Smog.

Jaime got on the escalator, and rode it up, up, up, into the SmogLand, where a massive TV/Film Literary Talent Agency loomed in the distance. "Ho, Hum, Ho, Hum, who will I hire in the interim," a giant voice boomed from the Agency.

Jaime walked carefully along the thin yellow smog until she could peek into the door of this huge Literary Agency. Inside was a Giant Agent, sitting at a giant desk. "Ho, Hum, Ho, Hum, Who will I hire in the interim?" the Giant mused again.

Jaime noticed a faint glow coming from the Giant's desk- a screenplay was sparkling- 120 pages of pure Hollywood Gold! She knew she had to have the script, but she didn't want to interview with the Giant, because Giants don't pay- they only hire interns. Instead, she hid behind a fake plant in the lobby and waited.

As the Giant typed a job-placement ad online on the UTA joblist, he suddenly grew very sleepy, and fell asleep at his desk. His snores rattled the agency. Jaime snuck over to the massive desk and snatched the screenplay, heading for the door. However, the door struck her on her ass on the way out, making a meaty "thwapping" sound that awoke the sleeping Agent. He stood up with a start, and immediately noticed that his screenplay was missing.

"Whooo stole my Golden Screenplay?!?" he bellowed, and then he spotted Jaime making her way out.

"I-I was just optioning it!" Jaime cried.

"I'll grind your bones and make you into overpriced sushi," the Agent roared. He chased Jaime all the way back to the escalator, where Jaime began to rush down. She thought the Agent was going to stay in the SmogLand, but instead she turned to see a giant Porsche barreling down on her. Nearing the bottom of the escalator, she ran as fast as she could, but the Porsche closed in- she could see the veins bulging in the Agent's neck- certain doom was fast approaching-

But at the very last second, Keifer Sutherland appeared and yanked the Giant Agent from his car, kicked his ass, and exploded him dramatically.

"Oh my god- Keifer Sutherland!" Jaime was overjoyed to see him. "You saved me!- And I loved you in 'Flatliners!' How can I ever thank you?"

Keifer Sutherland just smiled and said, "Hey, no problem. I just do what I do best. Hey, are those cherries I see over there?" Keifer Sutherland popped some of the leftover cherries into his mouth as pieces of ash and Giant rained down around him like blown-up whale bits.

"Delicious," he said.

The PropsMaster had seen the whole thing, and saw that Jaime's Mexi-Cherries had made Keifer Sutherland smile, so she gave Jaime her job back and even paid her for her lunch hour.

As for Jaime, she went home that night and slept the sweet sleep of heroes, knowing that sometime soon, she would option the living crap out of her kickass Golden Screenplay.

The End.

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