LA Stories: Spacetooth

There's a few different categories of Crazy Homeless People in LA, and most of them are scary. I'm used to the sweet, respectful homeless of Orlando, who would stay behind their little blue panhandling box and say "God Bless You," or some other innocuous slogan.
I could even totally handle the homeless of New York, when I spent my summer there. They were always in the same spot, wearing parkas in the sweltering heat. They would hold a Styrofoam cup out to you as you walked by, and you could donate (or not) at your discretion with no ill-will or untoward pressure other than social conscience.

In LA, naturally, it's different. There's SO MANY people here living on the streets, because the weather's pretty awesome all year round. LA has a massive homeless population. I watched a documentary about it, and many of the people who run the local shelters said that lots of LA's homeless are homeless by choice. (Try renting here and you'll see why this is not surprising.)

However, theft and violence against the homeless frequently goes unreported, and this city seems to be Mecca for Serial Killers. There's no easier target for Serial Killers than someone who won't be missed for a couple of days.

There's the regulars on my block. I have created some callously-named categories in which I place the homeless people I see.
I am going to hell for this, but if I can categorize someone, it makes me less afraid of them. Here's what I see:

Mutterers- they shuffle around and mutter and pretty much don't bother anyone.

ScreenWriters- the bitter angry people who make up fully-fleshed-out stories about why they need an exact dollar/change amount, complete with names and locations. ("Hey, can you loan me $1.65- I'm serious- my friend Stacey is stranded at the bus stop in Santa Fill-in-the-blank, and I've gotta bring her the money so she can get her baby home.")

Musicians- 'nuff said.

Golgathas- these folks have clear walking patterns up and down the street. They are covered in vomit and poop. (Both their own and that of others.) I so wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. They carry caked on layers of this along Hollywood Blvd. like dung beetles. I'm so sad for these people but it really doesn't seem to bother them. They are oblivious extremely stinky, and tend to walk close to people and brush against them, creating bio-transfer. Nasty.

Dementias- these are the abandoned LA elderly who people forgot about. They sing to things, and ask you to give them a ride back to Detriot, or vehemently insist that you call Carl so the police will leave them alone and let them sleep in the bushes! My friend Jenn recently rescued one of these people, because she's awesome.

The Snails- these people have shopping carts or strollers in which they pack sooooo much random stuff, it billows out in a huge snail-shell shape. Like the psuedopods they are named for, "they carry their house with them."

The Eskimo- these folks pile on layer after layer of hoodie, sweater, scarf, gloves, ski hats, etc, and huddle under a bus stop like it was an igloo. They mostly sleep all day, because night for them can last 4 months.

and, drumroll please for my personal most-frightening:

The Ranters- these people scare the crap out of me. They will be silent for the most part, and then, while you're walking past them, suddenly cry out or scream or wail at the top of their lungs, launching into a completely incoherent stream of aggressive-sounding threats, profanity, or just raging. It's startling and ultimately very very scary, because I have no idea what they're so upset about and if they're just telling their story or they're about to truly rip into some passerby. I have been startled to the point of dropping everything I had in my arms because the guy leaning against the CVS wall just started screaming, seemingly for no reason.

After not knowing how to cope with the Ranters, and being followed for 3 blocks by a fast-walking guy yelling at the top of his lungs about "that god-damned border collie knows what's going on, and I'm gonna tell him what for!," I made a discovery!

You know how BlueTooth Technology makes it look like people are talking to themselves when they're really just on an earpiece and talking on the phone?

Well, Ranters have special "SpaceTooth Technology." It's a tiny earpiece that no one can see (because it's from Space, duh) and it's connected to Beings in Space who are overseeing our every thought and action.

These Supreme OverLords are aware of, for example, the fact that my 3-block follower-gentleman is having a quarrel with another sentient being, (in this case, a dog) and are listening to him as he vents his frustrations. It's a 2-way conversation, where these people can explain what's going on to the Beings in Space... We just can't hear the other end of the conversation, becaue we don't have this special earpiece.
Sometimes, the Space People talk and talk, and then abruptly place their Earth Friends on hold, and it's the crappy Space Hold-Music that makes people suddenly scream and wail out and startle the s*#t out of everyone else.

"SpaceTooth Technology. It's awesome, it's invisible." (TM)

So, maybe from now on, the Ranters won't scare me so badly anymore. They probably won't pull out a shard of broken bottle and stab me because I'm near them. After all, it's not me they're upset with- it's the Goddamn Border Collie.